tabi electric

2012-02-10T12:09:00.002Z

today i am blogging in the morning because i'm always leaving it to the end of the day.. and then i'm suddenly too exhausted to even think straight or conjour up a good story to tell you guys. i'm also sick of waking up each morning and, even though i know i have all this shit i need to do i just lay in my bed and stare into space day-dreaming.
- i only did that for an hour this morning! and now i'm going to tell you guys my big big news.

okay, sooo........ I"M MOVING TO LONDON!
yep that's right, i'm finally getting out of the city of bristol. the reason for my decision is a combination of loads of things really. the number one thing being that i'm just really fucking bored. i'm bored of seeing the same people everywhere i go. i'm bored of doing the same job every week, doing the same thing everyday..

so this is my plan. i'm moving with my favourite girls babypink & danieladinosaurs for definites, and only just the other day april has been added to the bill! IMAGINE what our house is going to be like.
we've already planned to have a house warming paint-party. everyones going to come to ours and paint a wall however they like. AND we're writing up the GIRLS CLUB GOSPEL▽ (an updated version) and GGB MANIFESTO♀ on our walls and all - just to ensure we're always positive all the time. we're just going to be constantly creating, filming, doing photo shoots and making music all day and all night long.
i honestly can't wait.
my main goal for london is to get into the video business. whether it's filming, editing, or directing - i just don't know yet! because i don't know what i want to do myself. all i know is i want to create films of some kind. so i'm treating this whole experience like the story of my life is just about to start. small-city girl moves to the big city to make it all happen.
and i'm going to keep you all updated on here, of course!

i'm moving in spring time, so watch out for updates on where i may go to sell my clothes/ furniture. i'm going to be having a small goodbye thingy maybe... way later on though.

Bad Girls - M.I.A

2012-02-09T01:36:00.000Z

hiiiighaaa! okokok so i'm just writing to say hello and show you all a glimpse of my nipple tassels! still nowhere near done as you can see. but it's the start of something beautiful! they're going to feature in a video that my babe april has conjured up. it's to a marilyn manson song. and those tassels will be on my boobs and that's all i'm telling ya!

but speaking of video shooting... going to go and do a bit of acting on saturday. yeah that's right, I DON'T JUST FILM. aha, it's going to be a fun day of GIRLS vs. BOYS basketball games, dressing up and just plain old messing abowt.

i had a proper shift at work today, which was a first for a while. recently i've just been doing weird little 5hr shifts. which has been good as always. but yeah, it was pretty average.. you know when you like, when you like everyone.. but you just don't know what to say to them..?
i mean i get on with everyone but i don't really feel like i can always be myself. sometimes i test the waters and say something that i would usually say.. and then i just get a weird look or an awkward silence.. so i'd just rather work and keep my head down and think to myself sometimes. I JUST HOPE that people don't think i'm a bitch.. or a weirdo.. or a weirdo bitch. story of my life......./～～☆～/～～☆♡～～♡♡♡

2012-02-08T01:19:00.000Z

i've been so cruddy with my computer at the moment... i've just been coming home from work recently and feeling like i literally can't move these days.. which has prevented me from blogging or replying to emails.
what a shitty excuse! it's not like i've even really been doing anything i can tell you guys about. except just planning for this thing i wanna tell you all but yeah.. i'm still not ready yet. hmmmm..

anyway, here are a few little photies from my friday night out last week; (go perv on my flickr if you wanna see moar)

god i stick out like a sore thumb hanging with my work-girlies. they're all so feminine and i always feel like a proper boy going out and about with them.
funny story about that night though. i was hanging over the bar talking to the 'tenders and i felt someone pinch my butt. so i turned around to find this gross, scrawny old dude lookin' at me and he goes "WOH, sorry - i wouldn't have pinched you're butt if i had seen your face. i mean, you gotta admit, you're pretty UNFIT."
he was saying it so seriously genuine like "come on now, YOU MUST KNOW, you are pretty unfit."
i just stared at him blankly while walking away.. i wish i slapped him but tbh, i didn't really care at all. like, WHY would i even want someone like that to consider me attractive? i wouldn't. i'm an acquired taste and i'm proud of that. i don't go about trying to be attractive, i go out being MYSELF.
but what annoys me is what makes a dude think he can talk to girls like that!? pretty much every girl in the world has a complex about the way she looks. and it's guys like that who just don't help at all.
OH AND, to the anon who sent me hate on tumblr.. i mean what is wrong with people in this world that they wanna go about their lives trying to upset other people? i would just never dream about even attempting to do that to another human being. what you give out you get back i say, which is why i pride myself in making others feel amazing, which they all are! i mean, we're all breathing and living, which is amazing. think about it.
la-di-dah, anywaizzz....

today i made marijuana leaf nipple tassels with my special girls. more on that another time. bye bye!

2012-02-04T21:16:00.005Z

about to go out to leave for work, but i just discovered this song and wanted to post it before i forgot about it. i'm gonna put it on my iphone and walk to work in the snow.

today i got caught up in this winter wonderland on my way to the vets. i missed my stop and ended up in the suburbs of hengrove, freezing and covered in snow. heres a photo, as you can tell i just got a passer by to photograph me..
not really, i was accompanied by mr. miltiadous, my greek friend who was in bristol visiting. he took the photograph.
but yes, sidney is absolutely fine! scurrying around my room as i type.

last night was pretty fun, a night out with the girls is always awkward for me because i'm such a freak when it comes to female company. but as usual, the AA girls were absolute stars. photos up when i have more time... off to work now!
a real update tomorrow! i may possibly reveal my exciting news ;)

La Belle Et Le Bad Boy - MC Solaar

2012-02-03T18:20:00.000Z

today has been weird, had to be up early to drop my baby-grandma ferret at the vets for her operation today - just got the call from the vets and she is OK! thank fudging gawd. i'm picking her up tomorrow. ACTUALLY CAN'T WAIT, she's gonna be all shaved from were they did the OP and everybody knows how much i love naked animals ♡!

phew, i just had two sips of my own made cocktail "the horny mexican" (cactus juice & magnum vigorton - vigorton is pretty much like liquid viagra, alcoholic viagra!) and it's already gone straight to my head!

when i got back from the vets i got right back into bed and slept another 3 hours. then cleaned out the ferrets cage so it'll be all fresh'n'squeeky on her arrival. cleaned my kitchen, made a salad for the dinner party i am attending tonight.
going to miss charlotte lanes for dinner with a bunch of the girls from work, before we head out to the ruin for some dancing fun.
speaking of the ruin, working there tomoz! did i tell you all i've been hired there? pretty fucking sweet cuz i love pouring pints now.

i can't explain how different i have been feeling this week. which is probably why i haven't been blogging to much, so i apologise. BUT, yeah i've been feeling pretty BOOM!
basically i've got something i need to tell you all. but it's still not time... but this thing i have to tell you. it's made me see the world in a much brighter light. i'm feeling better, i'm feeling more like my old self! like my OLD SELF, the person i was 2 years ago i mean.
anyway, more on that another day. i promise.

2012-01-31T22:54:00.001Z

All The Way Turnt Up - Roscoe Dash ft. Soulja Boy
waaaa!! omgosh i'm just so happy with no real explanation.
okay, i lie. i know why i'm happy. i just can't write it on here yet.
i will all in good time though. omg omg omg.

anyway.

so it was the mothers ruin/madame genevas/stag & hounds staff christmas party the other night. it was lots of fun! lots of dancing and talking to people i never have before. slowly overcoming my confidence issues.
on monday i took sidney to the vets, she has to have surgery :'( - but it should all be fine! i really hope it will be. it's costing me a lot but i wouldn't hesitate for a second spending any kind of penny on my darling baby-grandma fuzzball. the surgery is on friday so i'll let you all know!

today, i am just plain old pooped. been up since 6am and i stayed up til 3am the night before texting so yah, i'm sleepy. and this has been a real boring post. i'll try to remember to write you guys when i'm not so BLAH.

BUT HERE ARE SOME PHOTOS FROM SUNDAY NIGHT:

2012-01-28T23:55:00.004Z

HEY GUYZ!!!
so it's been the busiest of weeks for me. a lot has been experienced and a lot has been learnt. it all starts last saturday morning. the night after SEXY TIME djing fun. me and charlie were up early to catch our coach to london where we met sam for some birthday boy celebrationz. sam also lives with original GIRLS CLUB member fran, who is a complete babe to boot.
i was in london for 5 days. and those days appear to of been spent eating out for every meal, breakfast lunch & dinner. one breakfast consisted of eggs, mushrooms, brie, salad and a cookie. and one place we went for dinner was a gay burger joint! - oh london is a crazy place kids i tell you. but it was all fun and hair braids.
i arrived back in bristol on wednesday where i literally jumped off my coach and into the store to start work. then on thursday i was working until midday, djing in motel until late, and then partying at the stag & hounds until 3:30am. oh and a haircut happened in between! what do you all think of my ferret tail at the back? (it's not a rats tail because it's fatter, so i've called it a ferret tail because i am a ferret gurl through and through)
speaking of ferrets, my baby sidney is very sick. she is old and ill and is growing a fucking weird ass thing on her chest that is seeping blood and puss. she is going to the vets on monday, but please people keep her in your thoughts. i'm very afraid i'm about to lose my best friend.

i had work at 7am the morning after staying out until 3:30 at the stag. that was a fun day that also continued on into the night. we had an unofficial work-do at start the bus which was part hakeems leaving do, part martins birthday do, and part going to see new backstock boy rhys' band neotropics play. they were well good so click that link!

today was my last day of work for two days THANK GOD I CAN REST NOW. or can i?
tomorrow i'm getting my nailz did and then it's another night at the stag for the mothers ruin's work party which i've been really looking forward to. and then on monday it's the vets! anyway i'll try to keep you all posted a bit more often this next week with my exciting life of an awkward internet girl with no friends.

Neva Believe U - Mavado

2012-01-27T23:25:00.000Z

"all my friends tell me i should move on, i'm lieing in the ocean, singing our song.
that's how you sang it.
loving you forever cant be wrong, even though your not here, won't move on.
that's how we played it."

i cannot believe that you will not come again towards me from the darkness of the garden. i wait sometimes where we used to meet, expecting to feel again the joy of seeing you walk towards me out of a crowd- you, so distinct and unique. after you went away the house suffocated me. i wanted to be alone with my image of you...
i have taken a studio in london, a small, shaky place, and attempt to run away only for a few hours a day, at least. but what is this other life i want to lead without you? i have to imagine that you are there, sometimes. i have a feeling that i want to be you. i have never wanted to be anyone but myself before. now i want to melt into you, to be so terribly close to you that my own self disappears. i am happiest in my black velvet dress because it is old and is torn at the elbows.
when i look at your face, i want to let go and share your madness, which i carry inside of me like a secret and cannot conceal any more. i am full of an acute, awesome joy. it is the joy one feels when one has accepted death and disintegration, a joy more terrible and more profound than the joy of living, of creating.

"everytime i close my eyes, it's like a dark paradise.
no one compares to you, i'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side."

Dark Paradise - Lana Del Rey

2012-01-22T15:22:00.000Z

hiii giuz just updating with no real thing to say.
one thing i'd like to mention is that i have been receiving A LOT of messages from people talking to me about their depression and how they've been dealing with it and telling me their experiences and i can't express enough how warm and encouraging it all is. you are all making me feel so special and i don't know, i just want us all to help each other and make our worlds a better place. i'm not going to be able to get back to you all until possibly the weekend but i will write you all back. but thank you, is what i'm trying to get at.

anyway, just chilling in sams room. about to leave to meet up with my auntie and spend a night with her which'll be really nice. i need me more family time in my life.

oh, and i had weird dreams last night, one involved carrying rik mayall up my grandparents stairs on my back, it felt like it lasted forever.
and another was me receiving a text-poem from my ex which i actually thought really happened until i woke up and checked my phone.

2012-01-20T11:57:00.001Z

aaahhhhh my head hurts!
hmmm, so i was a little bit naughty last night. i accidentally got quite drunk! not REALLY bad, i can still remember everything i did. but maybe that's the worst thing of all. i'm not feeling too embarrassed though. spent the night in bath with katie, imogen and charlotte. so it's not like we knew anyone there. but i'm sat in bed right now just remembering everything we were doing and laughing to myself. why were we randomly dancing at the weird bar where, if i remember correctly NO ONE else was dancing? was there even music playing? who knows. going through the photos now which is also making me lol.

i got up super early yesterday. despite the fact that i went to bed at 5am the night before. the plan was to be at katies for 11:00. i was the first to arrive. i have that curse of always being on time or fashionably early. which i'm sort of proud of. but even though the plan was to be at katies for 11:00, we didn't actually set off for bath until around 2:00. what can i say, too much gossiping that just couldn't wait for the bike ride there. we also spent a good long time eyeballing kitties on the bath cat sanctuary website. me and imogen half planned to get ourselves a kitkat each when we got to bath. little did we know we wouldn't be arriving there until 6pm...

the cycle was lush though. we had a half way pit stop and a picnic. popped some cava followed by a round of ciders. cycling along a country cycle path with a bottle of kopparberg in one hand and an iphone in your mouth playing cher loyd out loud was as classy as it got with me.
when we fially hit bath we went straight to the porter for dinner, more ciders, wines, shots... messiness.

i don't know what i'm doing today. but i know for a fact that as soon as i finish this post i'm running to asda to buy myself some hallumi and mushrooms and i'm gonna grill 'em and have a fancy, greasy breakfast. then maybe i'll to a chaz-shop stroll and i knowwwww i should make a move on some more video editing but i don't know how i feel about being cooped up indoors all day. maybe i'll just force myself to do one of those long walks around bristol with doomtree and cher loyd on a continuous cycle. GO WATCH THE DOOMTREE VIDEO I POSTED! it's not just visually pleasing, the song is damn good too.
this is what i look/feel like right now;

2012-01-19T11:09:00.001Z

Bangarang - Doomtree

2012-01-19T03:52:00.021Z

RELEVANT.

Want U Back - Cher Loyd
man o man, just got back from my shift at the ruin! a real one, i got paid and everything! it was so fun i'm proper buzzing right now. just the fact that i was actually in the position to have to talk to people, it was so good for my confidence issues. i got a few flirty looks which i assume is pretty standard. had this one guy asked me my name and we had a awkward little chat. i felt so sex and the city. also had a chat with the lovely stephanie elizabeth who asked me to model for her! exciting!!
anyway, enough bragging. the fact is that i had a great time doing something a little different.

now to my song choice, why is it you're heart and brain are always at war? which one do you trust? want u back, want u back, wah-want u, want u back, back!

2012-01-17T23:23:00.002Z

i know i've already posted this song on my blog before. but that was years ago, and i feel it sums up how i am feeling right now perfectly. more the sounds than the lyrics.

Salt In Our Wounds (Thulsa Doom Version) - HIM
i can't help but think that a new word needs to be created for this thing that we think is "love". of course we all know what being in love is meant to be like; for me it's when i've found someone i always want to put before myself, i want to care for them because they make me feel safe and wanted. just to put it briefly.
but this other emotion that i think love gets confused with, this feeling we get when we desire someone who doesn't feel the same towards us. what is that feeling called?
personally i don't think this can ever be called love. because i think love is only true when the other person feels the same. love has two halves, when you only have one half it's just not love, it can't be. this may just be a personal opinion.
i've figured out that's why when i look back on certain relationships when i thought i was in love, i think about it and say to myself "no, i was never in love there." and it think this is because now that i am viewing the whole relationship from the outside i can see that they never loved me back. so it just couldn't have been real.
then i look back on others and i can see that then, then i was in love. because i can just tell that they loved me back, and sometimes i didn't even know it. i didn't even know i was in love!

back on topic though, what is with all of us being obsessed with this other 'fake' love? it's like a mix of desire and heartache. i know i've been a victim to it, not for a long long time now though. sometimes i think i just chose men to desire because i knew they would cause me heartache, because i thought that was love. and i was addicted to it.
but it wasn't. it wasn't real. it wasn't love. i mean, what would i have done if these guys actually turned around and said they wanted me too? i would have run a mile! i know i would have. i didn't want to hear that. i could never accept that someone i was aching over could actually want me too. no no, i didn't want a happy ending. and that's why we should never act upon these emotions. everything just get's messy after that. because then you actually get rejected. and then you actually think about everything seriously and then you realise it was all just 'fake' love... but then you've already ruined everything.

i'm still saying i want nothing to do with the 'L' word this year.

2012-01-15T01:17:00.000Z

hello babes of the world!
it's been a long, stress-free day for me. but before that, yes i did go out in the end last night. not to the exhibition. and by the sounds of it - thank god! it looked like it was much too busy and full on for me to handle right now, so i feel like i made the right decision not going there. no, i just ended up having a nice quiet night spent sat at the bar of the ruin. same usual spot, this time being kept company by mark who bought me drinks and carried an interesting conversation. he also promised to set me up on a blind date with a boy he picked up on the motor way on his way back to bristol. it's one of my resolutions to go on a real life blind date this year so heres hoping it happens. apparently he looks like a young albert hammond jr. hmmmm..

but yes, i awoke today at 1:30pm. which was amazing, fully rested. then my brand new bed sheets arrived! look at how pretty they are!? now my room is almost totally matching, i need to get myself a nice pale mint or baby pink sheet though, can't be dealing with this chocolate stained (thanks to dodo) one hanging out in my fresh new room.
the evening consisted of a dinner spent around kat & laurens eating charlies famous lasagna, along with the salad i brought and followed by hot apple strudel and custard for puddins. it was lovely, very girly watching films such as bridget jones and the first SATC film (which was naughty of me, i'm trying to watch them all in order and i'm only just on season 4 now!)

tomorrow i'm working, but then i'm being picked up by jack who is making a surprise visit! he is taking me out for a roast and then staying over for a proper catch up. yeyy! maybe we'll start over and watch all the eastbound & down episodes to refresh our minds for the new season that's starting soon!? i dunnaaah!

oh my god, i used to listen to this song on repeat all the time when i was like 12 and walk to school pretending i was in the 60's underwater. JFYI.

Soul Bossa Nova (Dim's Space a Nova) - Quincy Jones & His Orchestra

2012-01-13T20:22:00.002Z

now i just don't know what is wrong with me. i spent the whole day being as independent as i could be. after work i had breakfast in cafe kino ON MY OWN - reading my book. i felt so grown up and confident. then charlie rang and met me before she went to work. bumped into imogen and she invited me out to this exhibition tonight.
after i walked charlie to work i set off on my own and walked all over bristol. for no other reason than to soak up as much sunlight as i could because my nana tells me that sunlight can cure depression. i listened to my iphone and at some points i was laughing out loud in the street just because i was happy. i know, i must have looked weird. i practiced positive thinking and tried to mentally compliment everyone i walked past. which made me feel pretty good.
then i got home and suddenly UMPH. i feel like crap! i had a shower, did my hair, did my make-up, put on party "going out" music.. but all i could think about is how long it's been since i've done this. and last time i did i actually had someone to get ready FOR. i just kept being flashed back to my pink room in easton. ugh. i feel sicky. my inner feelings must have ended up reflecting themselves in the way i dressed up because i look ill and dead. but i can't be bothered to do-over.
i'm just too scared to go out.
so here i am, all made up, drinking my new cocktail "the horny mexican" - (magnum vigorton & cactus juice), and listening to weird *extremely old* music, being too scared to leave my house. BUT I WILL LEAVE, in good time.

Big Shot - Kill Hannah

2012-01-12T23:42:00.036Z

just got through my door. back from spending another evening with charlie. this time at hers, we ate grilled pineapple and watched more SATC and talked about being adults.
we discussed modern romance and relationships, and about how it seems like in todays world people are already writing off romances before they even begin. people no longer believe that a relationship can last, so why bother trying to make it work?
i, myself was one of these people. and i used to be very vocal about it. that was until i was on the receiving end of that one line.. "we're not going to last forever. so what's the point?"
except my line had always been more like; "we're not going to last forever, so lets just enjoy it while it's here." but you know, each to their own.
i guess i'm more a glass half-full kind of girl.
but what i've learnt from having it said to me, is that it's just not a nice thing to hear at all, no matter what way you phrase it! if that person has made a commitment to be with you, why would they be saying that?
now that i've taken a step back from all the mess that matters of the heart can cause, i have told myself that there is just no point in being with someone unless you know that you want it to work with them. and that's not just it. but they have to also want that too. and by saying that i mean if you want to be with someone, like really be with them, be in a relationship with them and want it to work.. you have to stick with that, through the bad times and the good. through the doubts you have, and the scary parts. you talk it through with them and try to make it work. instead of pushing them away and hiding like a little baby.
because when you tell someone you want to be with them, that is exactly what it should mean. and i think people have forgotten that. people just go from girl to girl, boy to boy. saying they've been in hundreds of realtionships. but have they really? i would just call that dating but with the wrong title.

anyway, i may touch on this subject again another time. but i really need to get to sleep. i have work at 7am tomorrow. nunight!

What The World Needs Now Is Love - Burt Bacharach & The Posies

2012-01-11T23:04:00.019Z

alriiighty! so i took a day off from my blogging streak. i had a pretty full on day yesterday what with getting my ink on and chilling with the lovely girls that are lee, daniela and april. we all decided that we are going to start skating together. first session starts on sunday in asda car park! it'll be a good work out i tell ya.
but yeaahh i got my tattoos! i luv 'em i doo. but they are pretty swollen and sorsies at the moment which i like, but you know, can't really get a good photo of them at this moment in timmee. but then, here is my duckula! i loved count duckula when i was a kiddywink. i've got the whole of series one on DVD which i bought for dorothy for her first christmas. but i don't think she really gets it yet..
speaking of the little dodo. it was her 2nd birthday today! my lovely little missus is growing up. i managed to have a quick chat with her while i was on my lunch break, realllllyy wanted to skype her but i finished work at 9 which is way past her beddybyes so that just couldn't happen.

but this evening was lush, charlie came over and we ate thai green curry in my bed watching.. yes, that's right MORE sex and the city. seriously, i think i've watched it so much i walk around pretending i'm a woman in her thirties, expecting some suave, smooth talking businessman to introduce himself to me and ask me out for dinner. it never happens though. does anyone actually ask each other out for dates anymore? that's what i'd like.

on a random note; after talking about it with D-REXX (daniela dinosaurs), i have been listening to all my austin powers soundtracks. god they are SO GOOD. and the fact that they have that added aroma of nostalgia it's just, oh so creamy.
so many to choose from to put on here but i gotta go with this real soppy one i used to fucking l-o-v-e so much. i would wake up at 7am (one hour to get ready for school) and put this track on on my walkman.. and lip-synch it while looking into mike myers' eyes on the cover of my "i married an axe murderer" vhs box (which i kept under my pillow while i slept). crazy-yuh!

2012-01-09T17:23:00.005Z

this morning, after coming home from the post office to pick up my package from jack. i opened the jiffy bag to reveal my lovely presents that he had sent me. he only sent me them because he couldn't come and visit this week! i've been wearing the necklace all day and i started on the book while in the waiting room at the doctors. i am yet to write in the journal, i need to figure out what kind of journal it will be. i may just use it for my new psychologist sessions.
yeah that's right, so the doctors was such a great step for me. it was so embarrassing, as soon as i walked in i started crying. basically, i've been diagnosed with depression (which isn't really a surprise to me) but at least it's on paper now and i have professionals helping me with the steps to take to get over it. and i WILL get over it.
i know it's seen as really fucking 'cool' to have depression these days but i can't stress enough how much it isn't. i would sell a limb if it meant i didn't have these evil voices in my head telling me i'm shit and to kill myself all the time. i'm finding it hard to sleep, talk, think, concentrate, eat. i find little pleasure in doing ANYTHING but lay in my bed and stare into space. which is exactly why i have been doing this blog so much, writing about what i have been doing - so i can prove to myself that i can still find enjoyment in doing the littlest of things.
anyway enough of that. basically i'm just waiting on a call now from the psychologist and then we'll start moving forward, onwards and upwards.
i also got a few other little surprises in the post! i completely forgot i had ordered the new girls get busy zine. so that was a positive little read. and my mum had also sent me a nice present, some 'life purpose oracle cards' which i need to teach myself how to use but it really made me smile to receive that, at such a fitting time too!

i spent the rest of my day charity window-shopping. i can't really afford to be spending anymore money this month, but it doesn't hurt to look now does it? i did find a really lush shirt though, which if i have enough spare pennies lying around, i may buy tomorrow after my tattoo session.
after my mum had read that i wanted to get an ace ventura tattoo, she rang me and told me about this film she had just watched. it's a documentary from the guy who directed ace venture and loads of other amazing comedies. well, i'll save me writing about it and just link you to the trailer. it looks amazing! it's not out on DVD until march though so i'm going to have to wait til then to be able to watch it.

now i'm about to have a shower and make myself feel all pretty for dinner round charlies tonight. we're going to eat fajitas and just pig out and drink shloer and get all fizzy and watch some crappy TV. perfick.

2012-01-09T00:19:00.000Z

i don't really have much to say. but i don't really want to put an end to this good old blogging streak i've got going.
today i had a real shift at work. well almost, 12-6? haha, and even that felt long. not working so much is fun but don't feel like i'm using my free time wisely enough! tomorrow morning i will be getting up early though to go to the post office and pick up my package from jack - exciting!
then i have the doctors at 11:30am, which will be promptly followed by a call to my mother who wants to hear all the details. i may even get to have a sneaky chat to dodo, but she's not too good at talking on the phone yet, she tries to show you things... ヽ(。_°)ノ

anyway once i got home from work today i just ate more soup, watched far too much SATC and snuggled wiv my snidney. she is so old now it's ridiculous. i'm sure she's blind or deaf or something, and she has this massive growth on her chest... i'm pretty sure this year is her year. so i'm giving her extra luvvin' these days. and i'm thinking of getting a tattoo of her pretty face when the reaper does make his visit, along with getting her made into a beanie baby OF COURSE.
speaking of tattoos doe, i'm getting tatted on tuesday! and like usual when i know i'm going to get something certain my brain starts coming up with brand new ideas of things i'm going to have to get next time.. shall i get an ace ventura tattoo? as in the cartoon doe? what if i just got his face like this terrible quals version here? (but not in bad quals version duhh)

2012-01-07T23:43:00.001Z

oh man oh man oh man, i have been a SLOB today! lay around all morning in bed thinking about my crazy dream i had; i dreamt that i was backstage about to be called out so i could enter the big brother house. it felt so real it was freaky, i realised what was happening just before they were about to call my name and i started freaking out like "OMG THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SEE HOW MUCH I PICK MY NOSE!! THEY'LL MAKE YOUTUBE VIDEOS OF IT!!!" - they had to call someone in to calm me down, then my name was called, the doors opened and i walked into the bright lights.. then i woke up!
was this a sign? should i audition for big brother this year? so yeah, that's what i was thinking about all morning. and look! a photo of me thinking:

then i met charlie for a midday chaz-shop! won myself these golden beauties, as shown above^^. then when i got home i stripped off and lay about even more! tweeting, drooling, watching toddlers & tiaras and drinking too much tea - i swear ever since i got my teasmade i have just become completely made of herbal teas.. and i can't tell if thats a good thing?

oh! i also got robots in disguise' new album! i miss when i was like 15 and would just listen to them all the time, they are pure girls club, pro-woman, anti-man. i place all bets on the fact that they are the reason i am so woman minded. that and the fact that men are just shit so they don't really help themselves do they? but yeah LISTEN to the song i've put up it's total happiness.

chains! chains! chains!
we're linked to each-other with chains!
chains! chains! chains!
isit?
coz i'm you, and you're me, and we're chains...
linked to each-other with chains! chains! chains!

oh yeah and so i didn't do COMPLETELY nothing today, i re-arranged my room a little bit and went through all my american apparel clothes! who's up for doing a yard sale party this summer?

Chains - Robots In Disguise

2012-01-06T20:48:00.003Z

oh it's been a long day! i had work at 7am, but luckily we got everything that needed to be done quickly so i was out by 10am and scooted on home to finish up PART2 of my 2K11 video! i'm so pleased with it.
now onto PART3!
i met aimee for lunch at 1pm in biblos, ended up hanging out there for hourssss just eating and catching up and gossiping. she is looking mighty fierce these days, i wish i took a photo of her outfit but i guess i was just too mesmerized. after our pro-longed luncheon i left her in town and as soon as i got through the door i hit my bed - and haven't been able to get up since! i'm so knackered.

i've been having terrible night sleeps recently, not being able to sleep well and having scary dreams. like MORBIDLY scary dreams, and others just plain old twisted. but i'm going to the doctors about it on monday - can't wait!

in other very exciting news i've just heard some chinese whispers about motel bringing out the 'tabi crop tee' and the 'charlie skirt' - which means you buy the two and you'll be girls club all over ;) from what i have seen they look extremely fetching and i can't wait to see a load of tabi boobies and charlie butts jumping and shaking all over the place! - preferably while we are DJing *wink* ;)

as you can see i have posted up the NITELIFE magazine pictures up on here, no big deal but i'm loving how hot i look in them. photos like this are whats stopping me from cutting my hair!

uuuurm, naht much else to tell ya'lls at this moment in time.. i'm not even sure if anyone has been reading my recent bursts of drivel i seem to have vomited all over this blog..? but like i said, it's a new year and i'm searching for a new me and a new lease of life! so if anyone has any suggestions about what i should be doing with my life or just wants to talk, i am all ears.

i might actually go out tonight! though now i've said it and pictured it i probably won't.. it's a choice between going out with the lovely aimee and possibly the equally as lovely katie & imogen.. or staying in and working on my PART3 of the video.. or staying in and watching back to back episodes of sex and the city. so it's a 1/3 chance i'll go out. we'll see, we'll see.

Why? - Carly Simon

2012-01-05T23:14:00.002Z

so i was back at work today, not until like 5:00pm though, so i spent my entire morning editing videos and dolling myself up - which was funnn! i cried too many happy tears going through all my footage for like the 5th time over, but then when i put it to music it just makes me even happier. i'm so excited to put it up i half thought about having a little screening of it at mine with everyone who features in it coming over, but then i thought that could end up being really weird.. idk.
i ended up mentioning my screening idea at work when i got in and people seemed to be quite into it, but i couldn't tell if they were just being nice, you know? it would just be a load of people coming round mine to watch a really self indulgent video of me and all my friends having fun, not to mention my tits have already made quite a few appearances in it and i'm not even half way finished! i dont know.. we'll see. i would really like to be able to make films and have proper screenings one day, but maybe i'm just not good enough yet.

oh! if any of you peoples in bristol grab a copy of the new nitelife magazine you'll see a pretty wick picture of me DJing in it! it made my day, you would never of guessed that was the horrible night me and charlie had a run-in with those chavs. anyway sleepy timez now, work at 7am burrr!!

2012-01-05T01:38:00.004Z

"we live in a generation of, not being in love, and not being together. but we sure make it feel like we're together. because we're scared to see each other with somebody else."

today my theme was 'gangsta goff' - i had planned to be spending all day looking after my little sis until my 'rents were all packed and ready to abandon me here alone with my ghostly brother. but they decided to leave midday-ish! which turned out to be pretty lucky as i UTTERLY forgot i was doing my trial shift at the ruin today. it was totally fun, kinda scary at first when i had to serve these creepy drunk crusties who were having a go at me for pouring shitty shots (i seriously can't get to grips with those funny pouring funnels...) but by the time they had about 4 shots and 4 pints one of them said 'god, you are beautiful.' so i forgave him, of course.
but yeah i really enjoyed it and i hope to do many more in the future! i need to get out of backstock a little bit because i fear it's effecting my socializing skillz!

the rest of my evening consisted of girly times and chats round charlies house, painting nails, playing tiny tower and watching sex and the city. charlie says i'm like carrie, which at first i took as an insult.. then a few episodes later i realised she was right! i've never really been into the series before, so i'm downloading it all now and i'm going to study every bit of advice they have to offer. mainly the parts about how i don't need a boy in my life and girl friends are better anyway! relationships, who needs them seriously?! not me thats for sure.
anyway, i'm gonna go try to cram in an hour of video editing before i go to sleepy town.

Doing It Wrong - Drake

2012-01-03T21:59:00.032Z

hello boys and girls! by the way i thought i'd point out the reason i have had my hair in a bun'ed these days.. well i'm desperately trying to grow out my hair - purely so i can achieve the satisfaction of cutting it all off again - but my fringe is becoming rather tedious at this annoying 'mid-length' stage. i almost chopped it short the other night but then i discovered i could tie it up! so tied up it shall be until further notice. it's pretty nice being able to see the world around me for a change. although that does mean the world can now see my freakishly wrinkly forehead!

today i had a long awaited day spent with charlie, doing what we love to do best; eating at biblos! honestly words cannot describe how much i love that veggie challenge wrap. i have it at least once a week.
then we visited the RSPCA dog & cat shelter as i am looking into getting myself a kitty at some point in the near future. and at this point i would like to throw in the fact that i no longer believe people should be breeding or buying bred pets, especially in this world of today were we are overrun with strays and abandoned baby animals. ADOPT if you must get a pet, after going to the shelter today my beliefs were only cemented by all the poor puppy faces i saw. CAN you believe that people still get their kids puppies for christmas?! it's ridonkulous.
anyway enough of that, everyone knows i'm not one for shoving beliefs in peoples faces but i just wanted to get that off my chest after almost crying as we left the shelter.

not really done much else with my second day off of the year, i bought dodo a hello kitty DVD and we watched it until she got bored (here is a video of us watching hello kitty - oh how interesting!), did some drawlings and ate some soups. the fam are leaving tomozzer and i'm pretty terrified about whats going to happen to me. but i'll just take each day as it comes and see what happens.

The Motto - Drake feat Lil Wayne & Tyga

2012-01-03T20:42:00.001Z

2012-01-02T20:46:00.001Z

first day off of the year. spent it tidying my room, editing footage, painting my nails and babysitting dodo. also ate a killa pizza and drank a fuck load of camomile tea. the end. oh, i also made this song. thinking of making a video for it. but maybe to the original.
the lyrics, i want them tattooed on my heart.

frnd2frnd by sounds_electric

2012-01-02T02:01:00.000Z

so happy new year. here's to me giving this shit a go yet again.
my new years partying was pretty silent, went out for a wee bit but then some girl knocked me in the face and i ran away from everyone and got into bed by 2am.. i had work in the morning anyway so i wasn't really fussed.
ended up having dreams about my ex though, woke up all happy like, until i realised i was dreaming.. BUT WHU CUURS ABOWT DAT, moving forward always.

this year for me is about finding myself, no crushing allowed. i've had it with matters of the heart, you only get hurt or hurt others in the long run and i can't be dealing with that anymore. besides.. i have a boyfriend and he's this little gay kid that keeps staying over my house called sam, i'm sure you've all met him before. he takes me out to gay clubs and vomits all over my bed. but i love him for it anywayz. plus he helped me re-decorate my room for the new years, packed away all my shit that reminds me of people i don't wanna fink about.

i've had my family living with me the past 2/3 weeks now, i needed it. i don't know what would have happened to me if i didn't have my little sister to think about, she loves me so i can't be doing anything stupid these days, gotta stay chipper - just for her. I LUV YU DODO!

Birdman feat. Nicki Minaj & Lil Wayne - Y U MAD?

2011-12-15T00:41:00.001Z

we aren't going to get back in bed together,
and he isn't going to wrap his legs around my legs,
and we aren't going to fall asleep,
and then in the morning he isn't going to say "hi person",
and then we aren't going to have another day, just an ordinary... boring day,
and then we aren't going to have kids,
and we aren't going to grow old together,
and we aren't going to look back on our lives,
because we aren't even going to know each other.

watch this

2011-12-11T21:42:00.001Z

so let me tell you guys about my weekend, me and charlie had been booked to DJ at start the bus last night. i was already having a hard day what with personal issues, so after waking up early (not by choice) and glamming myself up to make me feel better i went round charlies to begin distracting myself with a day of christmas shopping and girly times with her and charlies little sister, caitlin. after shopping all day we went back to charlies house where she cooked us a beautiful meal of veggies in a giant yorkshire pudding and we got all ready for our night out, hoping to forget all my troubles and have a good time. charlie did my hair all nice and then we set off to go to mine to grab my makeup.

on our way to my house, just under the bridge at the bottom of windmill hill we saw a bunch of about 7 kids harassing a woman which pretty much ended in charlie getting dragged to the floor by her hair by this girl while her camp, no eyebrowed side-kick cheered her on, then when i tried to stop them he started on me, grabbing my hair and pushing at me (in my platform creepers and all) he took a swing at me but the fact that i fell backwards helped save my face. and caitlin being circled and intimidated by the lot before them running away.

we managed to flag down a police car that was driving past where we all started telling them at once what had happened. the police got the kids details and drove off to take a look around. we heading to mine as quickly as possible and rang for a taxi to drop us off in town and take caitlin home. we went to start the bus so we could explain to maddie motel what had happened and asked if we could come back a little bit later so we could get our bearings together before DJing.

so then we headed to the ruin where we had a little cry and got it all out of our system, the police rang us and had caught the girl who dragged charlie down so we are pressing charges (hopefully). after the good news we felt a little better and put our make-up on and set off to the bus.

so thinking all this hubbub was behind us we got up to the decks where it turned out this little girl who was asked to help hannah do the first 2 hours of DJing with her had apparently drank 3/4 of our litre bottle of vodka that was our payment for DJing. it was quite hilarious at first because she was shouting at the crowd to 'FUCKING DANCE YOU CUNTS' - who were clearly unimpressed by her stage presence. but then she started shouting about us and the vodka (obviously trying to get our attention and start at fight) now, i have probably spoken to this girl once in my life, she seemed nice and i've had no problems with her. but she was obviously unable to handle the amount of poison she had stolen from us and clearly had already formed a misconstrued opinion of us, why else would you be starting a fight with someone you didn't even know? it was our turn to take over and as she left the stage she barged into charlie to which she pushed her back. then her boyfriend (who had just been pathetically standing behind the decks on his pleb watching over his rowdy girlfriend steal our payment - and someone told me he had been drinking it too) pushed charlie too which he had NO RIGHT to do;
1. because his girlfriend was in the wrong.
2. because he is a MAN and charlie is a GIRL who was only trying to stand up for herself.
by this time the girl was grabbing at charlie and shouting at her and charlie was trying to push her away and explain to her that she just doesnt need this after already being attacked once that night but she refused to back down to which i felt she needed a glass of coke in her face to cool off. this appeared to slow her down a bit and i managed to get inbetween them to stop the scrap. charlie shouted at her "you've obviously had too much to drink and need to go home" to which she quipped "well you obviously have a problem with your EGO" - excuse me? is that a clue to what opinion you seem to have conjured up about us? later on she was spotted throwing up in the girls toilets before being escorted out by the bouncers, what a beautiful way for her night to end. just think next time you drink more than you can handle okay! ;) let me just throw in here that me and charlie remained sober the entire night.
charlie had to go home early because she had concussion due to the blows to the head she endured earlier that night so me and sam did the last hour and a half together.

not exactly the way we had planned our 'carefree night of fun' but what are you gonna do? this is exactly why i don't like to drink, those chavvy kids were drunk and so was this little girl - if you are not happy with yourself or your life then you just shouldn't do it because it turns you into an UGLY MONSTER.
it just upsets me when girls have made up opinions about other girls brought up by jealousy and insecurity. us girls should stick together and make ourselves stronger, not attack each other and make each other feel unsafe.

on top of all this i'm going to liverpool next weekend to attend my granddads funeral and i'm going to be seeing a lot of my family and my dad who i haven't seen for over 6 years. i'm terrified.

2011-11-25T01:20:00.000Z

it's fucking hilarious when i go through my blog and i REALISE why i am so fucking fucked up. i mean, its funny because if it wasn't for my blog i would probably have never made the connection. well, saying that like, yes we have discussed it once or twice i think. and since that chat i have gone through it in my head a few times. but i never dreamt of bringing it up with them HOW MUCH they crushed my soul; how fucking DISGUSTING they made me feel, how CRUEL they were to me. - no, i never dreamt of bringing it up with them because how could i put such a burden on someone, especially since they are now a close friend. but then i ask myself, are they only my friend because of the GUILT inside of them? i know for a fact how much they regret hurting me. but their regret wont change me now, it wont undo what they have done to me. i may even think it's because of them i look in the mirror everyday and see this UGLY CREATURE staring back at me. but whatever, i'm over it, really i am. at least i have forever been true to myself and i would never change for anyone. even if it means i hate myself a little bit, i still won't change. because in reality I LOVE WHO I AM. XX

2011-11-16T02:07:00.000Z

so ugh yeah i dunno, it's so hard getting back into blogging! today i didn't really do anything except buy bleach in asda and cleaned my bathroom.. exciting innit. i need to do more creative stuff idk what to do tho! i'm in the middle of writing a screen play but i can't find my notes anywhere. i'm writing lyrics to a song that's in the process of being made, but i'm crap at that. i have loads of videos that i'm in the middle of editing.. whats wrong with me why can't i finish anything i start?! i swear if it wasn't for these two girls i wouldn't be doing ANYTHING creative with my time. these are some gifs from our 'TIGHTEST' video, keep an eye out for a new one coming soon!! xx

2011-11-15T00:55:00.001Z

omg i can't w8888 until i finish work this friday! then i got 2 weeks off boiiii!! birthday 2 weeks off. it's gonna be wik, i'm gonna do nuffink and everything all at once. and no ones invited okay. so hmm, what have i been thinking recently? so works getting more awkward... purely because i have NOTHING in common with ANYONE, i feel like they just think i'm a gimmick or summat. actually that's how i feel wherever i am.. which is probably the reason why i don't like to go out much. my 2 months of not smoking is almost over too. i have to say i did pretty well! i definitely feel like i have a clearer head. not much a fan of getting drunk tho.. omg i'm rambling, i'm gonna go now okay bye! ... oh yeah also, incase i forget to mention, its the LAST EVER GIRLS CLUB on the 3rd of december, come to that it will be both fun and sad. and i'll be DJing at pressure on the 1st, which will be a great way to ring in my birthday, free drinks and playing my own choice of songs to the great crowds that we usually get there, you knows i'll be playing my favourite birthday song omgomgomg. and ummm.. i think thats it? SEXY TIME THIS FRIDAY. come, i'll have a new haircut and eerrting. xxxx

Kaada Patton - Seule

2011-11-10T23:21:00.002Z

just gotten out of the bath.. i haven't had many baths in this house. they always remind me of living in easton. god i loved that bathroom. seriously i know everybody loves nostalgia.. but DOES ANYBODY LOVE IT AS MUCH AS I DO? i highly doubt it. even the bad nostalgia, i'm addicted to it. ask anyone who knows me, i'm always talking about 'the old days' or 'this time last year' - nobody understands though. a first time anniversary is the worst/best. that feeling in the pit of my stomach that something happened a year ago to the day and i can tap into exactly how i was feeling. even bad days though, i look back at days where i was crying over something absolutely horrific and i still feel like i was happier then than i am now. is this a disease? i am happy now though. it's just upsetting when it comes to the end of a day that happened this time last year.. because it'll never happen again. after two years it really isn't special, you know? i'm listening to bif naked like i was repeatedly last autumn. you guys should download superbeautifulmonster if you don't know it already. nice and angsty.

Bif Naked - The World Is Over

2011-11-09T00:33:00.000Z

oh the summer time, when i had friends. when i would sit in my back garden in the sun drinking cider and eating macaroni cheese pizzas... the boat party. being fake tanned, short haired, a little bit more confident, or was i just so stoned all the time i didn't notice how awkward i was to begin with?

2011-11-01T21:59:00.000Z

after a lifetime of loving halloween and trying every year round to make sure i have the perfect one, i think this year i finally cracked it. three days spent just laying about watching movie after movie (a mix of kids halloween films and scary ones) and eating a shit load of creepy candy. no drink, no drugs, no socialising. just me, tobias and sidney being absolute lazy bums.

2011-10-05T00:04:00.000+01:00

so i feel like a dick doing this but i want to get back into sharing everything on here.. i need an outlet and for some reason blogging is the only thing that helps. i can only hope that everyone i know has stopped bothering with this blog or it will become embarrassing. i just received an email from my dad and i feel so strange, the email literally feels like its from a stranger, which i guess he is. but i'm excited to re-build this relationship and i'm scared because i'm really putting myself on the line here, emotionally.

2011-10-03T23:23:00.000+01:00

so i've just had an epiphany. i googled myself, as you do... and realised i have been spamming the internet with myself for tooo fucking long. i saw so many old photos that i had forgotten about.. and then i started reading old posts of this here blog.. oh how honest i used to be, i must admit i sounded like SUCH a LOSER! it was so clear to the public that i had no friends, and spent most of my life indoors watching films and crying over stupid boys. and man, i swear how the fuck did i manage to go out all the time and i DRANK sooo much!! i have been earning pretty much the same amount of money for the last 3 years and i used to complain about how i had no money, I SPENT IT ALL ON BOOZE I SWEAR. i never ever bought clothes, or food, or anything. what a fool. anyway, what i do miss is my dedication to my blog, and even if it was pretty shit, i was at least attempting to be creative. tumblr has destroyed my creativity.

now, here are some now very old photos that i have been meaning to post for yonkz. soz.
me and charlie DJ'd as GIRLS CLUB at WONKY for the PRIDE FESTIVAL warm-up party.

if you wanna view the rest just visit my flickr, they're there somewhere. it was a well fun night, i still look back on it in proper fondness, even had a fight with this girl and her skanky friends in the toilets. over a fucking B-O-Y for crying out loud. well, they were fighting about the boy, i was arguing back at their patheticness to try and have a fight with me over such a miniscule subject. girls should stick together and not fight over something lesser than us. ANYWAYZ, i also heard that an old friend of mine and charlies is going around saying they apparently heard us in the toilets (everything was going down in the toilets) that night, 'dissing gays' and EXCUSE ME, but they couldn't be more further from the truth. i have no idea what they could have gotten that from. tbh, mad tight was probably in the toilet with us and we were just calling him a little gay, because he is. but STFU YOU DONT KNOW MEEEEE, CLEARLY.

2011-09-18T22:23:00.004+01:00

my phone got stolen a few days ago while i was in london. right out of my bag on my back, literally within 5 minutes of putting it in there. i was so angry with myself at first. i cursed myself the whole coach journey home. and when i was finally in the comfort of my own surroundings i cried. not because of my phone. but because i had upset myself so much with what i had said in my head. for the last couple of months i have been telling myself that i hate myself every single day, multiple times daily. but i hadn't even realised until i had that go at myself on the coach journey home. i havent just been saying that either. i have been calling myself horrible things, i have destroyed my own confidence. i have been my own worst bully. so i have quit smoking weed for a while, sorting my head out and i have been meditating every evening. it's only been four days but it's already made a difference. i just looked in the mirror and for the first time since i can't even remember when i feel like i look pretty. i feel good.

i've poisoned my soul so much, i still find it hard to get my head around it. but i've been getting some help and it's started making a difference. i'm still scared to face the public yet, i don't find the idea of going out fun. or drinking or drugs. i just want to make my mind as pure as possible. listen to happy music and try to become creative again.
i can't wait for when i want to see my friends again. it's sad though because everyone has/is moving away. bloody london, stop stealing my friends.

Vybz Kartel - Beautiful Girl

2011-08-22T22:01:00.001+01:00

DJ Douggpound - Noooooooo

2011-07-30T02:02:00.005+01:00

one day me and pete had a day date on the top of brandon hill. where we listened to shit music on my iphone, smoked, drank coke and then all of a sudden... a rainbow appeared.. and then another one did! double rainicorn-bow! video coming soon.

i look like a hunchback here but whateva.

2011-07-18T18:15:00.003+01:00

for dinosaurs birthday we spent the day by the lake in the sun, music playing, cider sipping, smoke bubbles popping. getting higher and drunker as the day goes on and our ipods run out of life. we go running in corn fields and swinging on tree swings. followed by a chilled out evening at home with the goonies playing on the big screen. i happily passed out on the sofa. (click the little photos if you want to see them bigger) ♡♡

Girls - Lust For Life

2011-07-07T00:30:00.002+01:00

GRAB SOMEBODY SEXY, TELL 'EM HEY!

Pitbull - Give Me Everything feat. Ne-Yo, Afrojack & Nayer

2011-06-16T18:47:00.001+01:00

my new alter-ego.

Wiz Khalifa - Get Your Shit

2011-06-11T23:29:00.001+01:00

been literally so bored of being ill, so today i sat on my sofa in the garden and drank rubicon in the sun with little sister dorothy. then charlie came round for a visit with left-over pizza hut for me. i didn't really feel much up to eating it so i just posed with the box in front of my shed. pretty tumblr, huh? you can just see how miserable and in pain i am, such happy eyes! (and vicious jowls in that right picture, i'm making them fashionable, trust.)

watched 'big daddy' earlier, made me want a kid so bad! and i'm not even the maternal type. but... i am ovulating right now so.. boys? anyone wanna help a girl out? if the baby comes out beautiful you'll get discount on american apparel clothes as your payment :) WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE, i've got a mirena! how the fuck am i ovulating!? shit, i should get this checked out. okay, maybe next time boys.. rain check.
i also watched 'funny people' with the fam (obz a kind of adam sandler day for me). yeah, they came down for a visit which has been dead on good timing as i've had my own personal slaves this whole time i've been ill. but yeah, it was a really good film! not what i expected from it. kinda serious/funny. plus, seth rogen is in it and i don't care what anyone says, he's overweight and jewish so automatically i think he's a babe.
ALSO omg - epiphany; everyone knows i love funny, chubby, awkward guys. so, where do funny, chubby, awkward guys flock to? comedy clubs!! imagine how fancy i could become? instead of going out to club nights and getting wasted and taking my clothes off and dancing on tables and making out with random topshop children. i could be going to comedy nights and sitting silently in the shadows on my own at a small rounded table steadily getting through a decent amount of gin & tonic, then the acts would begin and i could take my pick! it would be like shopping for the ideal husband. i'm gonna do it guys, i'm gonna do it.

Wax Audio - Lady Judas

2011-06-11T00:56:00.003+01:00

just to let you all know i'm still ill & bored & restless. and i want a spoon. and i made a song but not really, whatever like i said i'm bored.

GUCCI▼GUCCI by sounds_electric

2011-06-09T14:18:00.001+01:00

i have flu, which is perfect timing with my 2 days off... so yeah. probably just going to continue wallowing right here in my bed for the next 48 hours. can't really use the computer much because it hurts my fragile eyes.. not that it's really been stopping me... 5 minute breaks are the key. AND - get this right, i can't even download anything to watch while i sip my lemsip because my computer AND HARD-DRIVE have both run out of memory! again, perfect timing what with me being ill and all and not really being able to look at a computer screen... SO, i have just spent the last 2 hours deleting shit (with a break every 5 minutes). which is probably GOOD timing due to all my crazy female emotions going out of wack, just deleted a lot of computer memories you see... had a little cry and everything. . . . here's a gif of me nursing my headache;

i had horrible flu induced nightmares last night, they weren't really nightmares.. just horrible dreams about things i don't want to be reminded of. - you know what charlie said to me the other day?! (at least i think it was charlie..) she said i ALWAYS go on about my dreams like people actually care! am i the only person who thinks dreams are some next level of something? people need to appreciate their dream world more.

really not much else to update on as i haven't actually left my bed since the last post. i honestly HATE being bedridden! it's fine when i know i'm allowed to leave my bed, usually then i am quite happy just lazing about doing nothing with my time. but it's when i know i CAN'T leave, that's when it gets to me. i start thinking about things and going crazy in the head and just, omg i am so depressed right now you can't even understand...

i need a distraction again, might just re-watch the hangover 2 and your highness...

Flo Rida - Turn Around ft. Pitbull

2011-06-08T10:01:00.007+01:00

so i woke up yesterday morning feeling pretty weird, just wrong side of the bed kind of thing, you know...
but then i went into work and daniela just tipped me over the edge that i was already hanging off of. she brought up the fact that she saw pete the night before but wasn't too sympathetic about how i'd take it and well, it's still early days you know... i was silent for the rest of my time at work to my own surprise. but i ended up confronting daniela about what she said and we went for dinner after work and talked everything out. so we're cool now. i was planning to go to pressure tomorrow (i'm in desperate need of one of those nights where i can just get drunk for cheaps and be an absolute retard with no worries about who i offend) but i don't think it's such a great idea now after seeing how my brain reacted yesterday.

i'm just going through a lot of shit in my head right now, like, not real shit. i'll try to explain... i've been reading this book my mum gave me before she left 'women who love too much' by robin norwood, (incase you didn't already know i'm fascinated by the psychology of love and the way it makes us humans act, blahblahblah) and this book is screwing my mind over it's unreal! i'm finally realising why i do the things i do.
pete was an amazing guy and he actually told me he loved me, which i think is a first for me, to have had a boy who actually loved me. but i couldn't return the love (as much as i wanted to) because of my fucked up childhood. now, as much as i know now my mum loves me you see, i was brought up in a house were we didn't show love and affection. my nana didn't show it to my mother and my mother didn't show it to me. so as a child i was constantly trying to earn that love i was so badly craving. having been brought up like this from the day i was born i have been taught that i should always be 'earning' love, and never actually receiving it.
you know what first attracted me to pete? his reputation, no joke. i thought i had found someone i would never win over. someone who was known for having a different girl in his bed every night. in my fucked up brain this was the perfect guy to chase, because he would never, ever return my love. but when everything backfired and he showed me that love and affection i freaked out because i honestly (deep inside) don't believe i deserve that. because i have been brought up to believe, that i don't deserve to receive love.
- is this making any sense? you should all buy this book seriously (or not, because it FUCKS YOU OVER IN THE MIND) but what i am trying to explain is all stuff from the book that i have learnt. and no, i have never realised i have been doing this to myself before now. and i'm just trying to get my head around it right now..
but that is why i go for assholes... because of course they will never love me back! and now, because i know i go for assholes, and i never WON'T go for assholes, i'm never going to follow up any crushes ever again! ever! no point innit. forever alone. ha. it's fine though, we'll work something out...

Ambassadors - Save Me (Nicki Minaj Cover)

2011-06-07T00:50:00.005+01:00

so today i went for a college interview. it was for beauty school, and i kicked fucking ass! who would have thought i could survive an interview. i'm so fucking awkward IRL it's not even funny. but yeah. so all we need to do is wait and see how charlie gets on with hers... then our new found career path can get started!

oh yeah i guess i should show you guys my new tattoo:

pretty sweet huh? it looks like a barbie doll who's also a huge tim & eric fan wrote on my arm in her lipstick.

other than my arm-skin healing i have just been hanging out in my bed, having strong sexual fantasies about my overweight bearded comedians. have i told you all i'm posting an ad in some lonely hearts section of some paper or something? here, check my ad out:

what paper shall i send it to?
and no it's not like i'm looking for a boyfriend. i don't want one. i'm perfectly happy being single. but a girl has needs and well, because i'm not a whore anymore (and i've lost my vibrator) i've told myself i'm only allowed to sleep with someone if i like them more than the boy before them. it's only respectful you know? and i want them to be overweight because i want to be crushed. being crushed would feel good right now, mm crushed by sweat and hair... he has to be hot though. and i'm gonna date like, loads of them at once. like i'm in some kind of female, shallow hal sort of scenario.

i really believe me and har mar will be married one day. just you see, it will happen.

sorry, i've gone insane.
i appear to be looking like some kind of n-sync boyfan or something right now.

MC5 - Miss X

2011-06-01T00:32:00.007+01:00

i know, i may be a bit late on discovering this. but this is great. just, great.

idk.

2011-05-31T00:59:00.010+01:00

hello guys...

Shawn Lee's Ping Pong Orchestra - Kiss The Sky

i don't really know what to say.. but i promised myself i would try this thing out again. so.. let's see...
today was supposed to be super productive. i was meant to go to the post office... get a tattoo.. go shopping on gloucester road. none of that happened though because of it being a stupid bank holiday! so now i have to spread out all of these chores throughout the week as well as get a C.V put together along with a presentation for a college interview on monday!! ugh. although, i did go for 2 great bike rides in the rain while listening to my amazing eastbound & down soundtrack today! which is better than nothing.

check out what i wore to work yesterday!! i know right. my butt was out all day at my workplace it was great!

so as you all know i have been out of the blogspot scene for a while.. mainly just re thinking my life and shit. nothing too deep just, doing better stuff with my time i guess. you know i don't really like most of you guys anyway... you're only reading this because you hate me i'm sure.
and i don't even mean it in an 'oooh you all hate me' kind of way. i mean it as in, you guys only like when i write about how miserable i am! i would be the same if i was in your shoes so i don't blame you. there's nothing better than reading about how miserable someone is.

thought i'd introduce you all to my new tattoo:

he's a goonie from the story "little rabbit foo foo". my favourite book as a child. you may remember pete reading it to me a while back click here to see that.

boogersugar.

2011-05-30T01:40:00.008+01:00

okay firstly, click play. this music is only fitting.

last night i had a dream and it felt like a fucking movie not even joking! it was SO REAL, i felt like weeks went by.
so i dreamt that i was in my house, but in need of three housemates. the first 2 to join were a mother and daughter, both deathly pale with bright blue eyes and long white blonde hair, and dressed very smart - almost like a school uniform.
i have no idea what they could possibly represent but whatever.

anyway, the 3rd and final housemate i had move in with me was only mr. danny mcbride. (i know right, this is what happens when you watch back to back reruns of 'eastbound & down' before bed.) but yeah, at first he got on my nerves, and everyone elses.
the mother and daughter would always complain to me about him, saying i had to talk to him about his house etiquette. they had a go saying it was disgusting him with a body like his walking around the house in his underwear - i found this quite offensive, i may of hated the guy but i thought what they were saying was too hurtful. i started feeling like standing up for him.
then they also said that he was perving on the daughter everytime they were in the same room.
now this aggravated me very much but i couldn't tell why. so i decided to talk to him.

i waited until we were alone in the house, i was sat on the sofa (that was in the kitchen which was weird.) in my underwear, watching tv and eating cookie dough from a bowl. he was in the kitchen making a sandwich, in boxers and a tee.
i joke about how the mother and daughter hate us walking around the house in our underwear. he chuckled back and added about how uptight they were about everything he does in the house. i laugh back and mention "you know, the girl told me she's caught you perving on her..?"
he scrunches up his nose and snorts "HA! she would say that, stuck up bitch. it's not her i'm perving on, no way!"
"so... the mother then?" i ask.
"pfft, no!" he says, he get's all coy. "it's you.. duh." he says sitting down on the end of the sofa, sandwich all made. he takes a bite without breaking eye contact. i lick the remainder of cookie dough from my spoon, not looking away either and trying to figure out what to do next.

the mother and daughter walk in and make us snap out of our trance. they give danny a dirty look and scurry off into their room to hide from us.
i take this as an opportunity to experiment and launch myself towards him, chucking my bowl of goo to the floor i sit on his lap/sandwich plate and he drops his lunch down to the side of him and paws at me. pulling at eachothers.. urm, underwear we get naked pretty quickly and fuck on the sofa. he was ontop, of course. it's been a fantasy of mine to be crushed into the cushions by a gut.

next thing i know i'm waking up in my own room (yes, i even woke up - in my dream!), i dunno i must have passed out from pleasure or being squished or something.
i can hear yelling coming from downstairs. turns out the mother and daughter had had enough of their living situation and called my own mother to the house to sort things out because i 'just wasn't getting the job done!'
the three of them are stood up in my living room with danny just sat back on the couch listening to it all. they spot me coming down the stairs and danny gives me a secret wink which makes me blush. without even as much as a hello the conversation turns into them telling my mother how much of a crap landlord i am. i walk past them all and sit on dannys lap (seriously, i don't know what it is about laps but that was the most sexual part of the dream right there. maybe it's because of the boners, but then how would that explain how much i love piggyback rides?). everyone goes silent and awkward. my mum looks disgusted and the blondies start having a go at my mum about how she cannot allow me to be with him. but then their voices faded.. and it all just turned into white. the end. and i'm smiling.

when i fully woke up though i was pretty sad it ended, i wish i woke up to that being my real life seriously. but still, kept me in a good mood throughout my first day back at work!

ALSO, okay. so when i got home. jack came round and we watched every single episode of eastbound & down, series 1 & 2. and he asks me "do you reckon he has any jewish in him?"
"OF COURSE," i say. "every man i have ever crushed on has had jewish in him. it's just genetics." i reply.
"haha, oh yeah of course, jews and the irish are world famous lovers." (he jokes about my irish decent or whatever.)
but then when jack left i googled him and turns out... HE IS HALF JEWISH AND HALF IRISH.
actual lol. right?
and, get this, he was only just married 6 months ago! and i looked up the date on my blogspot; JUST LOOK AT WHAT I WAS DOING THE DAY HE GOT MARRIED. can you believe it? CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! my mind is boggling.

and this is my goofy ass face when i made this discovery. goodnight.

LDN TRIPP

2011-05-06T00:47:00.003+01:00

okay, so then there was the time i went to london for the weekend with dinosaurs and nadoone to go and see TEARIST. do you guys know who they are? if not you totally should go click them now. and even if you don't like how they sound just take note of the fact that not only is the singer increddersly hot but she is also besters with eric wareheim of tim & eric fame, har mar superstar and vice cooler, along with many others. TAKE NOTE AND GO BUM THEM SRSLY...
anywaiz, after the show we got some drinks in us, had a quicky with franbabe and rich whittle (the one on the left, i think? i still can't tell my lefties from my righties...) then potted off to our hotel where we then ended up staying up even longer, jumping on beds, prank calling boys and getting our minges out (doone), as you can see for yourself;

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
then the next day, we met up with the lovely rebecca pearson (who doesn't get a link purely because it might be creepy of me to do so considering i've only met her like, 4 times.) and hung about in camden for the day going to brightly coloured stores and eating healthy vegan food because that is what cool people do in london, in case you didn't know...

literally not even joking, there was only these two photos of me taken then entire trip. but obvz that's cuz i'm uggerz. and look how happy i am in both of them! i clearly love london so much i might just move there... :/

Lil Jon - Hey! feat. 3OH!3

stupid, sadistic & suicidal.

2011-04-24T00:19:00.006+01:00

last night i had a sex dream about jimmy urine. well, it didn't really involve having sex with him. but it was 1998, and i was walking around stokes croft and we bumped into each other in a video rental store (the one that used to be in the back of guilfords). he asked me to come with him to his house and watch a porno. and even though i was only 18 and he was 28 and i didn't even know who he was, i said yes. he grabbed my hand outside of the store and we jumped up really high and kinda floated through the air, jumping on roofs until we got to his flat that had lava lamps and furry pillows and it was really dirty. suddenly i had a flash back to when i was 12 and i was in that same apartment and he molested me or something. but then i flashed back to the real world and he asked if i was okay. i told him what i just remembered and he was like 'oooh yeah! it must mean we are meant to be.' so we put the porno on and took our clothes off and made out loads with lots of saliva and stuff, his hair was so greasy too.

anyway, i think this dream was a sign towards what my next look will be.

sweet ignorant bliss, i wish i could kiss you... right on the fuckin' mouth.

because i want to forget. oh, yes i need to forget that nothing good could ever happen when i trust people.
because no one is perfect, because the world is inperfect, and i will never be perfect, and that's perfect to have live this life, to sing this song, let's go!
why, don't, you, come, here, and, prove, me...
why don't you come here and try to prove me wrong? cuz i am a stupid boy and you are a stupid girl. why don't you come here and turn me on!?
i don't make rules, i just break rules. i don't make love, i just...
i have seen the price of failure, and it is always high. and looking back on my life i would have liked it if society had gone through the trouble of protecting you from me.
the only insurance i have is my own two hands. the only insurance i have is my stupid fans who had to live this life to sing this song. let's go!
why, don't, you, come, here, and, prove, me...
why don't you come here and try to prove me wrong? cuz i am a stupid boy and you are a stupid girl. why don't you come here and turn me on!?
i don't make rules, i just break rules. i don't make love, we just...
why don't you come here and try to prove me wrong? cuz i am a sexy boy!
why don't you come here and try to turn me on? cuz i am a sexy girl!
why don't you come here and try to lead me on? cuz i am a stupid boy!
why don't you come here and try to play along? cuz i am a stupid girl..... . . . . . . . .

paused.

2011-03-16T20:17:00.007Z

2011-03-06T23:47:00.001Z

i don't believe you should hook up with anyone who you think is of less value than the one you hooked up with last.

a weird rule of mine... hmm.

i guess i'm back.

2011-03-06T10:17:00.002Z

so, i guess i'm back to blogspot.
i don't know, i had this weird need to write something on here this morning before i set off to work. not that i have anything to say.

this week has consisted of american apparel and sitcoms. i tried going out somewhere new on friday, after getting through a bottle of wine at home on my own and tumbln' like crazy i went to crash mansion where i pretty much just got gyrated on/chatted up all night. then we moved on to timbuk2 and this dude wouldn't stop trying to hold my hand until i had to shout at him that i don't like touching people.

last night was girls club which turned out to be a weird one, no drinking, no drugging, no one i really knew was there. no drama this weekend. for once.

i look cross eyed in this photo.

Cloud Nothings - Heartbeat

:(

2011-03-01T12:21:00.000Z

tell me i belong.

2011-02-20T09:54:00.002Z

holding you...
couldn't be alone, couldn't be alone, couldn't be alone.
loving you...
couldn't be alone, couldn't be alone, couldn't be alone.
kissing you...
tell me i belong. tell me i belong. tell me i belong.

just woken up after 13 hours of sleep due to 0 hours of sleep the night before, followed by a full days work.
and back to work i go...

Burial - Archangel

givin' up.

2011-02-18T19:40:00.002Z

it's not your fault,

ima bitch, ima monster.

yes, i'm a beast and i feast,

when i conquer.

this time won't you save me?

Nicki Minaj - Save Me

hmm...

2011-02-15T14:43:00.003Z

i have always said how much it scares me that someone, who at first meant nothing to you, can suddenly mean the world to you, and then, suddenly, mean nothing to you again.

because i guess it also means that you, who first meant nothing to someone, suddenly meant the world to them, and then, suddenly, meant nothing to them again.

this is me with a massive stoneover;

Best Coast - I Want To

valentines.

2011-02-14T18:11:00.003Z

so last year i spent my valentines like this.

this year i smoked, watched one episode of ren & stimpy, slept and ate some soup.

it's only love.

2011-02-10T23:33:00.004Z

so skins ripped off worlds greatest dad with the akron/family song 'love is simple'. which pisses me off because now i'm sure everyone will be raving about said song. and worlds greatest dad is one of my favourite films and nobody even knows about it! (though when i show people it they don't even like it) - wtf am i even talking about anyway. basically, i'll post the song at the bottom so you can see what i mean. also, if you don't think you're ever going to watch worlds greatest dad (dark comedy starring robin williams and directed by bobcat goldthwait) then i'll just have to make you click (THESE SPOILERS) here and here to see two of the best 'song & scene' matches i've witnessed in a long time. also, amaazzzing songzzz omg.

anyway. so, valentines day, eh? everyones talking about it. but, let me get something off my chest...
have people actually forgotten what valentines day is about? it's not even a day for couples. it's a day where you tell the person you have secretly crushed on for weeks/months/years that you like them. or to just let them know that someone is out there, thinking of them but doesn't have the guts to tell them. idk, i always thought of it as a day with luck for the ones in love. like, if you told them that day they would return it or something. what can i say, i'm a hopeless romantic who daydreams hourly that a romantic gesture will be forced upon them. seriously i do.
so yeah, all you singletons quit your moaning and tell someone you love them. ugh. i hate when my posts get all opinionated and forceful. so i'll stop.

here's that song.

akron/family - Love Is Simple

tweety pie.

2011-02-08T01:18:00.001Z

so i woke up at like, 5:30am and couldnt sleep and felt weird and sick. i actually got up on the wrong side of the bed. and man, it felt sooo weird. i spent 2 hours getting ready and my outfit was sooo rubbish (even though this scary chav started making kissy faces at me outside work and called me 'a rood, tweety pie' - i was yellow themed today) and at work i just stared at this transfer for like, 15 minutes and was like "WHY DO YOU LOOK SO WRONG?!" - turns out it was actually very wrong indeed. i rang jack and told him i had a brain explosion and he came in and cleaned it all up for me.
even now i still feel really weird... i watched love & other drugs, HOW CRAP.

okay and this song is actually amazing, even though it's t.a.t.u (who i love btw) but i was cycling to work and i started crying cause it sounds like what falling in love feels like okay, yeah.

T.a.T.u - All The Things She Said (Diesel Remix)

end of an era.

2011-02-06T16:14:00.001Z

so an hour ago me and charlie decided that we are no longer going to live together. yeah, it's really sad. but i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. i also feel slightly breezy and cold. i think that must be what it's like to know your out on your own. of course, charlie is going to find a house with carl. i need to decide whether i want to live here in this house, or move somewhere else. i reaaalllyyy fucking like this house so i kinda wanna stay here. but idk. we'll see. if i do i'm gonna put an add out, i want to live with a boy. i think i'd get on with a boy MUCH more. i also want to live with a stranger. you only start hating on your friends when you live with them and all that..

oh this is exciting! and me and charlie will get on so much better now. and i won't have to see carl or coco anymore (haha).

last night i didn't do girls club because me and charlie were THAT BAD. i was going to go to motion with nadoone, daniela and etc. but i forgot to get a ticket. then last minute i decided to go to this party in bedminster. but that didn't happen either. ended up getting kinda drunk/high for free and got chips and gravy though. but yeah, my outfit was fucking fierce;

Crazy Win - Beautiful Lover

creepin'

2011-02-04T13:15:00.000Z

so everything is kinda shit right now. but i've been listening to lots of good musics.
just spent most of my time working and getting wound up, cycling in the rain and crying while listening to my iphone or wishing a could kick people in the face.
on the other hand, been hanging out with daniela and nadine lots. which is real real real nice. it's good to hang out with people who think the same as you. and aren't average and boring.

The Lonely Island feat. Nicki Minaj - The Creep

running away.

2011-02-01T13:45:00.008Z

i try to connect with you in so many ways,

i know i'm close, why are you slipping away?

today i am dressed weird. and i'm going to bedminster.
to see my mum, go to asda, and roam charity shops.

i try to lose the thought of you all the time,

but you always seem to roam my mind...

Wedge & Shadz - Running Away

"i'll bet your more normal than you pretend"

2011-01-31T16:23:00.001Z

i don't like it much when people say this to me. mainly because i have never EVER in my entire life pretended to be something that i am not.
i wish i could say the same for this craze of tumblr girls who really try for you to see them as something they most definitely aren't.
it's mental that you people will accept these girls as 'being themselves' when it is as clear as day that they are mostly - usually, just losers with no life who are masters at portraying the cliche image you want them to be.

and then you question ME on who i am and how i live my life?
jeeze louize.
- i'm going to stop now because we all know i suck at getting my point across.

but this evening i'm going round to nadoones for a night of turkish vegetarian pizza, movies, youtube and tumblr.

Nicki Minaj - Did It On 'Em

day date.

2011-01-27T19:17:00.001Z

so today i had a day-date with my gyaldem daniela-dinosaur. we made our way to green bank cemetery and swung on swings in the trees and jumped on graves and smoked on memorial benches. daniela stole me a flower off some ones grave and even though i don't agree with that, i accepted it.

after a bitch and a goss and a general girl chat we realised we were shivering and headed back to mine where we ate pizza, drank wine in bed and watched arrested development, adventure time, sarah silverman, louie aaand lucky louie.

now daniela is gone and i'm just gonna lay here and drink my wine and re-watch all my beetlejuice cartoons.

hello alien.

2011-01-26T13:39:00.001Z

White Lies - E.S.T

goodbye eyebrows.

2011-01-25T23:11:00.001Z

so i bleached my eyebrows after i got home from work. i look like an alien, it's fucking awesome. i don't know what it is about the fact that i just want to make myself as unattractive as possible. maybe because i know i can't be attractive even if i tried. oh i don't know... how emo i'm sounding.
and it's not even a big deal anyway considering i've coloured in my eyebrows everyday, so if they look crap i can just go back to that again... but you'll have to wait until tomorrow to see them.

so i'm really ill.
like, snot. everywhere.
it's great.

GIRLS CLUB #10

2011-01-25T11:55:00.004Z

PHOTOS ARE UP!

here: girls club facebook group

and here: girls club tumblr blog

talking about boys and eating cookies.

2011-01-25T01:47:00.004Z

so i just got back from hanging out with daniela and peter. work peter, not gypsy. we basically spent the entire evening, smoking, eating oreos, skittles and twizzlers, looking at ourselves and our boys on facebook, and listening to random musics as we all have complete different tastes.
just cycled home through st. pauls and easton. feeling like a real life rood gyal with my reeboks, gold hoops and clh hoodie. ah haha.

my life has properly turned into some sort of downward feeling spiral consisting of work, food and boyfriend. you notice how sleep is NOT included in that list? that's because i feel like i am hardly ever sleeping. i am always fucking tired omg. and as usual i am having nightmares. so when i do sleep all i want to do is wake up.
i got shit playing on my mind, if only i knew what it was...

i totally can't be assed with a photo right now so here, have one of me at pressure the other night.

oh, and also, check this yeah. i have haters! omfffg i have haters. i am so happy. (and fyi, the song is pretty explanitory about what i think of the face-graffiti, around 0:53)

jj - Believe

chameleon.

2011-01-22T19:36:00.002Z

it's funny how i go from look to look sometimes. i'm sure people think i'm like some sort of faker who doesn't actually have a personality and just moves from image to image.
but i think of all my 'styles' as characters. couple of weeks ago i was a grandma, now i want to be a chav. or whatever it is i am, just gold basically.

i get so bored at work these days i need to get creative with my clothes or i will go mental in the head and forget who i am.

or yeah.

jj - Still

♡♡♡♡♡♡

2011-01-17T19:00:00.000Z

so from now on i am a chav. djing at zoology tonight.
lol lol lol lol lol lol ol lol lol lol lol lol

Kreayshawn - Killin' Hoes

round and round again.

2011-01-15T20:49:00.002Z

don't actually want to write anything... just wanted to show i'm still here and still attempting to do something with myself.

lissssteeeenn to thiiiissss sssonnnggggg........

Former Ghosts - And When You Kiss Me

howlin' for you.

2011-01-12T14:44:00.000Z

still with the mental dreams... and still with the finding it incredibly difficult to get up in the morning. last night i set my alarm for 12pm, thinking "but of course i will wake up before then..." - uh, no. no i didn't get up before then. and after that i stayed in bed for another 40 minutes. doing nothing. i think i'm depressed. no biggie though.
it must be winter blues. i'm sick of being cold. i want the sunshine now.

minus that i am doing the 7-midnight shift tonight, i pretty much have the week up until the weekend off. and i was really looking forward to hanging out with people i don't normally get to see as work consumes all of my time... but now i just don't feel like seeing anyone or doing anything.

just bed, eat, drink and watch cartoons.

The Black Keys - Howlin' For You

tia breeze.

2011-01-10T00:42:00.002Z

so yet again i have abandoned you guys... this whole having a boyfriend malarky makes it real hard to balance out daily tasks when all you really want to do is roll around naked in bed watching cartoons and eating day old pizza.
but i promise to kick myself up the butt a bit and get on it!

so, i will just talk about some memorable moments that have occured this past week and a half.

my new years weekend consisted of getting totally annihilated on thursday at pressure, friday day (NYE) was spent laid in bed, watching misfits back to back, eating dominos and drinking coca cola with petes hand permanently on my left breast, a day i could honestly spend in eternity... but of course i had to get up and get ready for djing at the fleece NYE shindigg with all them bands, you know. it had been over a year since i had seen turbowolf and it was really nice seeing them again. made me a little sad but oh well. the overall night wasn't THAT great, minus the fact i actually had someone to kiss at midnight.. last years NYE was a lot more fun. next year, a house party is on the cards.
new years day.. i got my wish and had a repeat of fridays heaven. and then sunday? no wait, that was another repeat, but instead of dominos we ordered a thali and played banjo and kazooi and watched loads of SNL and convention until the early house of the morning, despite the fact i started work at 9am on monday.

this week has been totally hectic at work. who knew that i would find working 9-6 almost every day such a chore? always drowsy during the day and too tired to even blog when i got home.. mega suxx.
but this next week i have tuesday, wednesday, thursday AND friday off. so that's going to be lots of fun.

this weekend was girls club. i can't explain how happy it makes me that it is just getting busier and busier each month! it's like a dream come true.
after GC we moved on to calums house party which was pretty much sex, drugs and dancing under one roof. too bad i'm a boring old biddy these days and ended up in bed by 6am with blind drunk pete eating cold enchiladas.

other mentions before i sign off;
me and pete had our first fight this week. he admitted that he wasn't actually "that into" tim and eric and i just, went crazy basically. still, i forced him to watch the chrimbus special with me and he enjoyed it so HA.
charlie has decided to grow up even more (like that was humanly possible..) and has taken out her two nose studs and enrolled at uni for this year. WTF is it not enough that this girl has taken up driving lessons and basically has a fuzzy hyperactive child?! i bet you this year she will get engaged.
aaaaaand also, tia maria and cranberry juice. worlds greatest drink, they need to make boiled sweets of this flavour or something because otherwise i am going to become an alcoholic from drinking it EVERY DAY. no lie.

anyway, i want to go to bed so here, have a photo of me on new years eve and we will have a real update tomorrow or something when i have had my beauty sleep.

Fagget Fairys - Feed The Horse

ugh.

2010-12-29T11:50:00.003Z

freaking out. so much to do. no time to do it in.
fucking work, getting in the way of LIFE.
need to burn cds, get shaved, finish this damn painting, choose an outfit for new years (OH MY GOD WHAT DO I WEAR..?) looking back at my outfit from last year. man, i am so fattt there. i'm thinking of going grandma celebrating the year 2000 or something.

anyway, i'm gonna go and get shit done...

fukfukfukfuk

2010-12-28T11:12:00.001Z

seriously fed up of these nightmares. every night since christmas i have been having this disgusting and realistic nightmares that usually involve blood, running, rape, incest etc ect and then me waking up and thinking it's all real and then rolling around in bed thinking about it and not being able to go back to sleep and uuuuhhhgggg...
even going to bed drunk last night didn't work, i had the worst dreams yet and you know, now i just don't want to sleep anymore.

also can't stop thinking about new years, which i totally shouldn't be doing. number one rule; DO NOT BUILD UP THE NIGHT, if you do that, it will only be a fail. i'm not really building it up, i'm just hoping we don't fuck up this gig we got going on.
OH YEA, have i even told you guys? GIRLS CLUB got booked to DJ at the fleece with Pulled Apart By Horses/Turbowolf/Idles/Jaws Of A Giant all playing like, OMG how cool is that??! but uhh, yeah kinda freaking out about getting drunk, DJing, making sure it's all fun blah blah.

oh well, as long as i get my 00:00 kiss from gypsyboy i'm sorted and happy.

NW1 - Only One

♥

2010-12-27T20:23:00.007Z

how long do you wait until you can show them your crazy?

Professor Green - Jungle

laaaaaast christmas...

2010-12-25T23:00:00.002Z

ow would you just look at lil' me. i love going back to exactly a year and seeing what i look like. and there i am, posing with my present charlie got me. lolzz.

and this year, well i spent the entire day looking after a sick little dorothy, watching the nativity on the BBC and painting. nahhht much else to say. glad today is finally over with. work tomorrow though :( x

come down eves.

2010-12-24T19:39:00.000Z

went out last night, killer. it killed me. i'm dead.
so tired, so very very tired. and sad. and aloneeee.
charlie has gone to her dads now. i need to clean up my bedroom, so messy, i hate mess.

i hate christmasssss....
omg what is wrong with me i keep dragging on sentences like a freak.

PHEWPHS...

2010-12-22T22:41:00.002Z

omg seriously i feel so good.
i have been neglecting my internet life so badly, naughty tabi.
but i have just caught up on it i hopeeeeee! as i have not been able to stop myself thinking about all my unanswered tumblr messages. which have now been answered. so go look at them, if you like..

and urrrr i'm running a bath now, gonna be a super awesome hot one. gonna wash myself all over and then get to work on sorting out my desktop and i am not allowed to sleep until i can see har mars beautiful pot belly.

and yes, pete got back from prague safely, spent last night with him rolling around in my bed singing along to my new favourite song;

The Lonely Island - I Just Had Sex

omg.

2010-12-21T13:31:00.001Z

so this time i really have been so super busy. i thought with pete being in prague i could spend some time being all innernettes and blogging everyday and tumbl'ing all over the place and SORING OUT MY MESSY DESKTOP OMG and just, blah, getting shit done.

but no, i've been running around non-stop or sleeping. and i'm still tired. here, i'll tell you what i've been up to;
starting off with thursday, i had just bathed the night before (little did i know this would be my only wash until the following monday) i had dressed myself all grandma, written a blog and set off into town to meet with pete for our little date. we went to the museum.

unfortunately he was ill and kept needing to sit down every 5 minutes. so we gave up on the rest of the date and spent the rest of the day/night in my bed watching regular show. i was awoken at 5am to him saying goodbye and jetting off to prague. i was then awoken the second time at 7am to charlie like GET THE FUCK UP WE HAVE TO LEAVE FOR LONDON!
coached it to london, potted around peckham looking for our hotel, after it was found we continued potting until we found an all you can eat noodle buffet. then spent an hour or two getting ready for gaga, saw her, cried, slept.

the saturday after was spent running around london in blizzards, trying to catch delayed trains and coaches. got into bristol super late, ran to the ruin from the coach station, decorated our grotto for sexy time (badly), ran home, dressed up as a sexy(disgraceful) elf, dj'd, danced, drank etc etc until about 4am.
woke up to big d in my bed, so i spent the day with her, introduced her to ciao burger, said our final goodbyes to baby d (she's left for texas now, very sad). ended up at the ruin eating chinese and again, drinking until about 4am.

and i spent all of yesterday christmas shopping! i dont even like christmas, OR shopping.. but i did it. mainly bought things for myself but hey. and then i worked til about 1am..

but i think i have finally caught up on myself. and pete is back from prague for like, a second before he sets off for family christmas times. but hopefully i get to see him <3

Mike Posner - Cooler Than Me

rush rush rush.

2010-12-18T20:53:00.001Z

omg lady gaga was amazing. i cried. the whole time.
got to go now, mothers ruin, sexy time, okayyy byeee xx

▼ GIRLS CLUB GOSPEL ▼

2010-12-16T11:58:00.010Z

sorry guys, it's reached that time again where i write an out of character post about something that i just need to get off my chest. expect bad structure and a bit of a ramble...
but before i begin, let me point out that my problem isn't solely about the men, it's about you girls. it's about you weak, mislead girls that make all us stronger, level-headed ones get overlooked and have to clean up after the messes you make.

the reason why men act and treat us the way they do is because of girls like you.

Jessie J - Do It Like A Dude
so, why do you girls do it? why do you give any of those guys who mistreated you the time of day? you are beautiful and they are not worth it... actually, it's not even that they are not worth you, they are not meant for you.
spend some time finding yourself, show those guys out there what they are missing and i promise you will find someone who is utterly perfect for you and it will all be SO EASY.
you shouldn't have to chase after ANYONE, ever!

think back to one of those times where you have tried to make an ex of yours jealous. personally, i have never done this, but i'm sure some of you out there have. to the bunch who have seen the movie waynes world, think of stacey. to the rest of you, conjure up in your mind an ex of yours stumbling over to you, making out with some random girl, blatantly trying to piss you off..
now, i have had this happen to me. and i just thought they were a loser, "i broke up with them - why would i care?" kinda of thing. so what makes you think that trying to make someone jealous is a good idea? it never is. and your just lowering your own personal value which you SHOULDN'T ever do because you are all gorgeous HIGH VALUE human beings.
and i just find it so sad that i know so many girls who do this, lower their value for men.
i know girls who cook dinner for their boyfriends everyday, wash their clothes, they may as well pick out their outfits and dress them everyday while they're at it too. it is that ridiculous and they don't even get a fucking thank you, all they get in return is a perfectly comfortable and spoiled boyfriend who has forgotten how to give a shit about the one they supposedly 'love'.
there's my girls who have allowed themselves to be booty calls, going to the boys house at the early hours of the morning just for a hump-n-dump-athon.
and the girls who still can't let go of their ex's that just stroll in and out of their lives whenever they please, hurting them over and over again...
why are you all doing this to yourselves?!

i know it's fucking hard but all you need is a little self control. i recently had to say goodbye to someone i cared quite deeply for, because i was not being respected. and now, i couldn't be HAPPIER (and good riddance to them). i have only just turned 21 and i can hold my head up proudly and say i do not lesser myself for any man.
and i am not saying that this outlook on life does not leave you heart broken, you can't help heart break sometimes. but believe me, it helps you learn. it helps you learn about yourself more than anything. and if you do this YOU WILL GET NOTHING BUT RESPECT from all men, and your fellow woman too.

this is why i started girls club. girls club isn't just a shitty pop night that goes down at the mothers ruin once a month. it's my fucking gospel. why do you think i love all those pop songs so much? do you even listen to what all these powerful female artists are trying to tell you?!
they are giving all they have got to make sure they have a voice in this world, a voice that you should all be listening to because they are trying to make you stronger.
do it like nicki minaj and STEP YO' PUSSIES UP, bitches. you are fucking VIP and if just any old dick can say he has had you, you're not a true HIGH CLASS female... you're not in our club.
do it like beyonce and tell him that if he like it, then he shoulda put a ring on it - you will NOT be a booty call. you will be loved and appreciated.
do it like rihanna and ditch the abusive boys who are stepping all over your heart. your stronger than that, you deserve to feel like the only girl in the world.
do it like gaga and put yourself and your own personal interests first;
"some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. if you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore."
do it like jessie j and do it like a FUCKING dude and show them we don't need to take their bullshit. they think we can't get hurt like them, SHOW THEM WE WONT. they are not worth our tears.
i mean, literally, when i listen to this jessie j tune i sing along with grinded teeth, i get SO aggressive and into it, i imagine i'm on stage singing it to all those fucking twats who hurt me or anyone else. and i just want to pull up all the insecure girls of the world on stage with me and we can all tell them to fuck off together. now that's girls club.

ANYWAY, jessie j is playing at thekla this saturday. which i am massively looking forward to. i have sexy time the same night but i am gonna find out the exact time she's on stage, leg it there in my sexy elf outfit and leg it back to the ruin in time to DJ. i suggest you all do the same ;)

also, i am leaving for london tomorrow so maybe not a blog post for a bit. LADY GAGA tomorrow, you know.. xxx

13/12/2010

2010-12-13T19:51:00.000Z

so like, just getting ready to go out to the BRISTOL RETAIL CHRISTMAS PARTY!!
wooo. it's at java - like bristols hottest dance/chav/metro club. lalalalal.

almost ready, first heading to helens (my managers) house for pre-drinkies and gossip.
spent all day re-tidying the house/looking for my keys - i lost my keys, in the house somewhere.. can't find them. had to get another lot cut.

then went and picked up D from the store, did a bit of shopping, eating and bought some cider. quickly popped over to petes for a quick kiss and a cuddle then rannnnn to meet charlie after work so we could both get home (sharing one key).

and now me and D are here, getting ready. already kinda drunk cause i'm drinking broadoak on an empty stomach.

Lady Gaga - Alejandro (Double Beat)

still rocking.

2010-12-10T16:29:00.000Z

so urm, last night girls club like, DJ'd at pressure.. and uuhhhh...
IT WAS AWESOMEEEE!!!!!!

charlie dressed all grown up and fancy with her boobies out and i dressed like a 7 year old 90's kid from the mickey mouse club. and we played choonz and people danced and thekla bought us all drinkies even though we weren't meant to be getting any but they did because we were just so damn good and made the top deck fucking PACKED OUT. and i had like, some people come up and tell me how much of a good job we were doing and one even offered to buy me a drink but i said no cause like... thats varrr unprofessional you know..

anyways so today i am a little bit hungover from free booze (the best kind of hungover) and pete left my house before 12o'clock for once so i gave the house a mega clean. hoovered and mopped and cleaned my sheets and my clothes and i may just move onto sorting out my desktop because it is a proper mess...

i'm gonna stop slabbering now and leave you with mamy rock. google her.

Mamy Rock - Still Rocking

camouflage

2010-12-08T13:19:00.002Z

today i am dressed like a real life ghetto grandma/grandpa.
so too bad i am working 3-12midnight tonight so NO ONE will see how awesome i'm dressed.
actually, second thought.. i'll just rock this outfit tomorrow as well at the Cliff Richard presents Motels Discount Evening! where me and charlie will be DJing from 4PM til 8:30PM!

literally got to run into town now and do some errands, one of them being buy a fancy new cd case for all our cds. did i mention we are professionals now?

oh oh oh also.... N-DUBZ NEW ALBUM <3<3<3

N-Dubz - Best Behavior

snoozers.

2010-12-07T08:33:00.001Z

so guizeee...
this would be the part where i say "i'm sorryyy" and "i've just been having the CRAZIEST birthday weekend everrrr"...
buttt, that's not really true. i mean, i had an awesome night out on my actual birthday.. lots and lots of fun. but after that i have just either been working or in my bed with pete watching comedy shows mixed with super depressing movies. snoresville huh?
well... not for me.

oh yeah, there was my girls club birthday special at the mothers ruin on saturday which was a complete FAIL. it just sucked because i was too scared to drink... i had work at 9 the next day and it was just pissing me off that everyone else i worked with was there and none of them had work the next day so they were all drinking and dancing and gurning and i was just like.. blah, can't be bothered... it was a good turnout though. my little brother DJ'd and he was actually really good, he did all these fancy things with the switches and stuff.. i was amazed.

speaking of DJing... turns out me and charlie have a slot at PRESSURE this week. megaLOLZ. we're going up in the world. also getting some radddd flyers printed out. gosh we are turning so professional.

anywaizzz, off to worksies now...

Salem - King Night

grandmah.

2010-12-02T12:23:00.001Z

man, i hate getting older. it's starting to get harder and harder to convince people i'm actually 12 (mentally).
BUT so far so good, i was woken up by charlie this morning with her singing her usual song that she has sung to me on the morning of my birthday for the last 5 years. and the presents she got me... oh my god. firstly the most AMAZING fannypack from disney world. (i wanted to go to disney world for my birthday but obvious lack of funds made it not entirely possible) and and and ANDDDDD ;;;;; mother fucking tickets to see LADY GAGA in 2 WEEKS in london. SRSLY OMG. i almost cried.
L A D Y G A G A.... omg.

just about to head off to meet my mother for lunch with brother jericho and baby dorothy. and this evening i am having a few friends round for mulled cider, party foods and natters until we are drunk enough to dance and then it's... well, pressure. of course. it's thursday so what the hell.

oh yea oh yea oh yea and i got new necklaces, lookie;

Jeremih - Birthday Sex (Uptempo Remix)

man dem.

2010-11-28T23:31:00.002Z

so i am pretty hanging from last night, good job i had to take my passport photo today... god forbid i get a photo where i actually look well presented...

so back to the fact i am hanging... haven't actually slept a wink yet due to yesterdays all nighter at the wilder house party, a night of drunken kisses and senseless loved up dribble spouting from my mouth until the early hours of the morning.
actually.. can't use my brain anymore. x

Sleigh Bells - Treats

snot.

2010-11-25T15:07:00.000Z

i am so fucking SNOTTY. it's actually like, i could fill a mug in an hour. non-stop running. so, so fun. and it just took me almost 3 hours to get ready.. not that i am going anywhere, i just wanted to make myself feel a little less ill (which i don't). but it's going to be alright, daniela is bringing me round some lentil soup, and then i'm going to buy us LOADS of snacks from the sweet mart and we are gonna pig out, be ill together and watch dinosaur movies.

turns out i had the week off this week. which i have spent the majority in bed. on monday pete took me to see sleigh bells. never heard of them before but they were amaaazzzing. literally, like, they are the band i want to be in. it's just a guy with a guitar and a chick screaming with a backing track and strobelights flashing all over the place. go youtube them, and i'll leave a song of theirs at the bottom as per.

i'm gonna go drown myself in phlegm now...

Sleigh Bells - Tell 'Em

disposed.

2010-11-21T17:55:00.003Z

so since i had my camera stolen i have been taking photos with an asda disposable.. here are a few of my favourites.

fucking maniacs.

2010-11-21T17:20:00.002Z

John Maus - Maniac

drinkzzz.

2010-11-20T19:53:00.000Z

going out going out going out going outttt.
the mothers ruin 3rd birthday. djing 11pm-1am. gonna, be, the, best, night, EVERRRR.
cause all my favourites from american apparel will be there and i'm gonna dance with them all.

LOL AT CHARLIE IN THE BACKGROUND. bottoms up x

Trey Songz- Bottoms Up

bottoms up.

2010-11-20T01:52:00.000Z

sorry it's been toooo long since i wrote on here.
just been too busy being social and stuff you know? lollz, not really. mainly working i think? and going out, maybe? dunnah. but yeah, honestly, not much feedback from these ends.
it's 2am and i gotta be up for work at 9am. AND tomorrow night i am DJing at the mothers ruin for their 3rd birthday!! sooo excited, it's going to be amazing. and i can actually get drunk as i don't have work on sunday. yeyy.

SO YEA. soz, i gotta dash off to beddy-byes now. but a real update tomorrow when i get home from work at 6pm.

changes.

2010-11-15T17:27:00.000Z

so this weekend introduced me to a new life song.
i got the "pokémon: 2 B A master" soundtrack on friday night. and all of saturday and sunday it was playing on repeat in the stockroom of american apparel, and everyone who was working had a positive reaction to it too, which made me happy.

but yeah, so this song, 'everything changes' - literally the new song of my LIFEEEE! man, i'm turning into such a nerd it's not even cool anymore. i mean, a really shitty song with awful lyrics has just changed the way i see life. i know. but seriously, just listen to it and pretend michael jackson is singing it. dreams.

Pokémon - Everything Changes

truly*

2010-11-12T15:47:00.002Z

just thought i'd write a blog while the gypsy has gone to tescos. even though i don't really have much to tell you, spent the last two days in a dirty bed watching the likes of league of gentlemen, ugly americans, superjail, tim & eric, modern family and nighty night.

oh yeah, did take a break from that and went to pressure for a bit... lol.

Marillion - Lavender

sea millllsssss!

2010-11-10T12:18:00.001Z

LOL LOL LOL.
so me and nadine are hitting the town (or village or forest or whatever it is they got there) in sea mills. she's got it all planned out and i'm looking forward to whatever it is she has in store. i'm hoping charity shops.

then our plan WAS to go to the watershed and watch a movie and eat some dinner but WORRRKK asked me to do perfect fill tonight. (ON MY WEEK OFF... i haven't yet NOT done a perfect fill, so depressing.) so gonna go do that and punch some faces. good times. then possibly if i'm not too tired will have a league of gentlemen midnight marathon at petes house.

aw, i love nadine though. of course i'll be the first to admit that when we lived together it did not work out one bit. but she's like the older sister i never had. she teaches me things - mainly about music and internet stalking. i just hope when i'm her age i'm still all weird and cool like her. and maybe i will have a little grasshopper to teach things to like she does to me. ahah.

anyway, listen to this sum 41-esq song by bif naked. it's sooo early 2000's. love it.

Bif Naked - Let Down